2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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