my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
