Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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