Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
