if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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