2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I did not marry a roomba.
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