Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
