When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
