So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
