I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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