cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
