I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
