last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
