I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
