hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
