Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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