I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
