alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
