When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
