just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
