She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
