i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I fill condoms, not promises.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
