You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
