your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
