ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
