I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
