So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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