When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
