i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
