cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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