I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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