I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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