I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
