i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
