She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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