I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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