i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
