I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize