Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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