Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
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You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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