I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
