i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
