He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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