dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
