Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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