Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
