This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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