He is an equal opportunity slut.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
