I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
