I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
