we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
