I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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