omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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