I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
