She is in my trunk
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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