Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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