I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
