my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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