I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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