i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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